Piece of the Puzzle

AAhhh, isn’t life friggin’ amazing? So I was lying in bed around 2:00am this morning and though I probably had it figured out earlier, it kinda hit me. I sorted out something that had been bothering me for longer than I can remember. Initially the problem started off as,

“To be, or not to be” gay.

I think that pretty much sums it up. At the beginning of the struggle I was conflicted because I found myself attracted to men and I wondered whether it was right for me, in terms of who I am. Mind you I don’t think there is anything wrong with being gay/bisexual/whatever but the question wasn’t what’s right or wrong for everyone else, but what is right or wrong for me. (I hope that makes sense.) Also I somehow felt that liking guys overruled the fact that I also had shown a preference for women in the past. As if there were some hierarchy of sexualities (Straight>bisexual>gay) - don’t ask how my mind conjured such a ridiculous idea. I was pretty much thinking: Let’s face it, if you’re a guy and you’re with another guy, onlookers are not gonna be like, “Oh look there goes a potentially bisexual guy.” But maybe this vague statement says less about the functioning of the world and more about my own internal issues. I can criticize society all I want, but society is composed of individuals and if I really want to change collective thinking, maybe I should start off with myself. However, I’m sure most people probably don’t even think like that anyway. 

But the main point is, if they do, does it even matter?

Would it matter if someone thought I was gay? It should matter just as much as someone thinking I’m straight, which is not at all. So it seems I didn’t want people to get me wrong. See me as something I wasn’t. And digging deeper than my sexuality, I think that has always been an issue in every sort of relationship I’ve ever had. Worrying constantly that I would do something, say something, or even give the idea that I was a bad person.

Or even worse, that I actually was a bad person. 

And for me, I thought being gay would just contribute to this image. But this is a happy story. I’ve found a piece of the puzzle that is my identity. Regardless of how many times I’ve read it, or was told, sexuality is such a fluid thing. It changes and grows in time. I really had to experience it to understand. Being gay is neither wrong for anyone else, or for me. It was simply a matter of becoming comfortable in my own skin. Referring to my nonsensical thinking earlier, if and when I’m with a woman - for that time I will be straight, and if and when I’m with a man - I will be gay. “So really” I wonder now. What’s the difference? Sexuality is sexuality. As I learned from Verbotene Liebe (probably the only soap opera I will ever intend to watch all seasons for),

DIGRESSION

THIS SHOW IS SO WICKED! AND FEATURES PROBABLY THE CUTEST COUPLE I’VE EVER SEEN!

OLLIAN!! LOL
(people can be so creative when combining names)

Christian Mann (Thore Schölermann) & Oliver Sabel (Jo Weil)

More importantly I think the acting is really great despite my obvious bias. If you haven’t already you should definitely check it out: Christian & Oliver. This link is for the “Christian & Oliver” storyline, so it cuts out parts that are irrelevant to the two characters. However, the soap centers around other relationships as well (not just gay ones), which share the concept of being taboo and defying societal norms. Thus the reason why they gave the soap the name, Verbotene Liebe (Forbidden Love). Wikipedia can give a better description of the show than I can: Verbotene Liebe

But anyways, as I was saying, Verbotene Liebe does have a few choice quotes and situations but the main message I took from it is: Homosexuality, like all other forms of sexuality, is simply loving another human being. This fact is what broke the margins and boundaries between different sexualities for me. It makes it so much easier to identify which category you fall into when you realize the ways in which they are all similar and equal.  Who said you can’t learn anything from television?!

So it’s 2:00am again and I was lying in my bed, feeling so incredibly thankful. Thankful that I am so blessed to be/have been surrounded by such amazing (and I use the word to the fullest extent) friends & family. Even though I think the majority of my family is somehow estranged, together they have shaped who I am, and for that I am grateful. Verbotene Liebe, as well as many friends, also reminded me that it’s my life, so living for me and only me is imperative. It was a conclusion that I couldn’t simply hear and internalize; I had to arrive at it in my own time to believe it. And through much observation, I finally did. 

I realize that I’m singing the same song that many have sung before me,

but this is a lot of progress for someone who used to wake up each morning wishing they could sleep forever. I have a stronger grasp on what I want to do, who I want to be, and who I am: three things I’m sure would come in handy for anyone. This is a high and no doubt there will be lows, but when you have a substantial sense of self-worth, you will feel this passion for life that can withstand anything. I thought I’d lost this feeling long ago but fortunately I was wrong. So for anyone having similar problems - scratch that - for everyone. I have gathered some golden advice to parrot. Identity is something that takes a lifetime to formulate and is constantly growing, so there’s no need to etch it in stone. For the time being, enjoy everyday and try not to struggle with the labels, and, as a friend (who is indeed like God) once told me,

“Just be”.

Who knew so much relief could come from two words huh?

So thank you family for being,
Dear friends for caring,
And readers for reading (and whatever else it is that you do).
And thank you God.
For anything and everything.