Happiness - A State of Mind or Product of Circumstances?

It’s been a long time since I last posted, but I’m called to do so again.
That last post was quite a happy one wasn’t it? I guess I’ll fill you in on what happened since then.

REWIND

If I remember correctly the relationship with my mother got quite unstable. The tensions climaxed with the convincing threat of being kicked out and having to find new homes for my pets (6 birds and a dog), it was quite a stressful period of time, or perhaps just a shocking day. There were many conflicts building up to the decision that I was to be ejected from my home, but thankfully I was able to resolve the problem the day I was given the news. The funny part about the whole thing was, as much as I was worried about myself, I was more concerned for the 6 budgies. Mother dearest said she had found a potential home for the dog so I wasn’t too worried about him, but I did not want to give those birds up. I know most people might say, “Come on now. They’re just birds…”. but somehow,

I felt that if I were to give them up, I’d be doing exactly what my mom was doing to me:
abandoning them.

More importantly however, I love them. I guess you might be wondering why I didn’t feel the same way about the dog. After all I love him very much as well. I think it might have to do with the fact that my brother was primarily responsible for him, but that’s still not a good enough reason. Perhaps it’s time I start taking better care of him as well.

Turns out my mom just needed help making the monthly mortgage payments and after some persistent questioning, she revealed she needs $250 a month from me and my brother (whose already providing) and we’ll be fine. 250$ a month? I don’t think that’s too bad at all. And I should have been helping her for a while now but I told her if she’s going to be immature about these financial situations instead of sitting whoever down and talking to them about it rationally, no one is going to take her seriously. Bad news is I still don’t have a job so the money simply came out of my overdraft. After that it seemed she was making an effort to be nice, which was odd at first but nonetheless appreciated. It was definitely better than nothing.

So it was really great for a while, maybe a week or two. And maybe I’m blowing it out of proportion but we had a minor dispute again today, and I’m already wondering,

“Do I really want to risk getting attached to her again?”

I’m so uneasy now that we had an argument and that it isn’t resolved. This is routine for her undoubtedly, but if I am to have a functioning relationship with her, I can’t do that anymore. Perhaps I’ll talk to her today before I sleep.

 (Some minutes later.)

Okay, I think that went well. We actually comprised. Bloody brilliant. It is quite exausting to work up the nerve to start conversations that seem so miniscule, but someone’s gotta do it. I feel better already, which brings me to my topic today. In my last post I brought up Verbotene Liebe and how watching that show puts me in such a good mood. However, today I started to wonder, because often after watching an episode I walk away saying, “I’m in such a good mood”, or some variation of the phrase. So is my good mood a result of a stimulus or is it also something I can consciencly control?

I think it may actually be the latter. Granted there are things that will definitely put me in a good mood, like Verbotene Liebe or a good song for example. bHowever, I think maybe those feelings I described in that first post can be recreated. At first I wondered if I should even be attempting to control my mood, but I’d say it’s important to be able to pick yourself up when you’re feeling down. And I think with all the things that have happened in my life, my mind could do without the chaos. So maybe these bad days that we’re all said to get once in a while, aren’t so mandatory after all. And maybe it’s this very saying that legitimates them! Definitely this proposition brings about a lot of questions but I understand that some answers take time to arrive, if ever.

So I did imply in my last post that I have a better idea of what to do with my life.

I’ll save it for the next post.

And again,

   
For anything and everything.

Piece of the Puzzle

AAhhh, isn’t life friggin’ amazing? So I was lying in bed around 2:00am this morning and though I probably had it figured out earlier, it kinda hit me. I sorted out something that had been bothering me for longer than I can remember. Initially the problem started off as,

“To be, or not to be” gay.

I think that pretty much sums it up. At the beginning of the struggle I was conflicted because I found myself attracted to men and I wondered whether it was right for me, in terms of who I am. Mind you I don’t think there is anything wrong with being gay/bisexual/whatever but the question wasn’t what’s right or wrong for everyone else, but what is right or wrong for me. (I hope that makes sense.) Also I somehow felt that liking guys overruled the fact that I also had shown a preference for women in the past. As if there were some hierarchy of sexualities (Straight>bisexual>gay) - don’t ask how my mind conjured such a ridiculous idea. I was pretty much thinking: Let’s face it, if you’re a guy and you’re with another guy, onlookers are not gonna be like, “Oh look there goes a potentially bisexual guy.” But maybe this vague statement says less about the functioning of the world and more about my own internal issues. I can criticize society all I want, but society is composed of individuals and if I really want to change collective thinking, maybe I should start off with myself. However, I’m sure most people probably don’t even think like that anyway. 

But the main point is, if they do, does it even matter?

Would it matter if someone thought I was gay? It should matter just as much as someone thinking I’m straight, which is not at all. So it seems I didn’t want people to get me wrong. See me as something I wasn’t. And digging deeper than my sexuality, I think that has always been an issue in every sort of relationship I’ve ever had. Worrying constantly that I would do something, say something, or even give the idea that I was a bad person.

Or even worse, that I actually was a bad person. 

And for me, I thought being gay would just contribute to this image. But this is a happy story. I’ve found a piece of the puzzle that is my identity. Regardless of how many times I’ve read it, or was told, sexuality is such a fluid thing. It changes and grows in time. I really had to experience it to understand. Being gay is neither wrong for anyone else, or for me. It was simply a matter of becoming comfortable in my own skin. Referring to my nonsensical thinking earlier, if and when I’m with a woman - for that time I will be straight, and if and when I’m with a man - I will be gay. “So really” I wonder now. What’s the difference? Sexuality is sexuality. As I learned from Verbotene Liebe (probably the only soap opera I will ever intend to watch all seasons for),

DIGRESSION

THIS SHOW IS SO WICKED! AND FEATURES PROBABLY THE CUTEST COUPLE I’VE EVER SEEN!

OLLIAN!! LOL
(people can be so creative when combining names)

Christian Mann (Thore Schölermann) & Oliver Sabel (Jo Weil)

More importantly I think the acting is really great despite my obvious bias. If you haven’t already you should definitely check it out: Christian & Oliver. This link is for the “Christian & Oliver” storyline, so it cuts out parts that are irrelevant to the two characters. However, the soap centers around other relationships as well (not just gay ones), which share the concept of being taboo and defying societal norms. Thus the reason why they gave the soap the name, Verbotene Liebe (Forbidden Love). Wikipedia can give a better description of the show than I can: Verbotene Liebe

But anyways, as I was saying, Verbotene Liebe does have a few choice quotes and situations but the main message I took from it is: Homosexuality, like all other forms of sexuality, is simply loving another human being. This fact is what broke the margins and boundaries between different sexualities for me. It makes it so much easier to identify which category you fall into when you realize the ways in which they are all similar and equal.  Who said you can’t learn anything from television?!

So it’s 2:00am again and I was lying in my bed, feeling so incredibly thankful. Thankful that I am so blessed to be/have been surrounded by such amazing (and I use the word to the fullest extent) friends & family. Even though I think the majority of my family is somehow estranged, together they have shaped who I am, and for that I am grateful. Verbotene Liebe, as well as many friends, also reminded me that it’s my life, so living for me and only me is imperative. It was a conclusion that I couldn’t simply hear and internalize; I had to arrive at it in my own time to believe it. And through much observation, I finally did. 

I realize that I’m singing the same song that many have sung before me,

but this is a lot of progress for someone who used to wake up each morning wishing they could sleep forever. I have a stronger grasp on what I want to do, who I want to be, and who I am: three things I’m sure would come in handy for anyone. This is a high and no doubt there will be lows, but when you have a substantial sense of self-worth, you will feel this passion for life that can withstand anything. I thought I’d lost this feeling long ago but fortunately I was wrong. So for anyone having similar problems - scratch that - for everyone. I have gathered some golden advice to parrot. Identity is something that takes a lifetime to formulate and is constantly growing, so there’s no need to etch it in stone. For the time being, enjoy everyday and try not to struggle with the labels, and, as a friend (who is indeed like God) once told me,

“Just be”.

Who knew so much relief could come from two words huh?

So thank you family for being,
Dear friends for caring,
And readers for reading (and whatever else it is that you do).
And thank you God.
For anything and everything.

No Blogz…

NO BLOG FOR YOU!…Just yet…need to fix up this page first.

(This post is actually very old. I just happened to find it saved as a draft. Oh well might as well publish my hard work.)

Oh and despite what I’d have you believe, I don’t get this at all.